Yoke yourself to the battle!

One of the important books in the yogic tradition is the Baghavad Gita. It is one of the most respected and read hinduistic texts. Baghavad Gita portrays the pangs of conscience, Arjuna must go trough, since he is forced to fight against his own famiy. In this work, "yoga" is used as the english word "yoke". It is mostly used in situations, where Arjuna connects himself to his warwagon and chariot, the hindu god Krishna - and thereby another part of himself. “Yoke yourself to the battle!”, Krishna says to Arjuna. In the Baghavad Gita, yoga is a symbol of the preparations before the battle. It is the act of building strenght, bravenes and agility to face the world - and to face oneself.

I introduced my yoga class today with the story of Arjuna and Krishna. I asked my class to prepare for the battle. Life isn't easy, and my class wouldn't be neither.
During my introduction, I tried to do what I could to camouflage, how much I was actually asking my students to join my own, personal battle. But I knew, they knew. I knew, they knew that today was one of my tough days. But i don't think that they knew much more than that.

*

This summer, I began the biggest and hardest cleasning process, I could ever had imagined. I had the hardest time of my life. Slowly, but definitely not gently, all my old displaced stories and feelings started making their way back to the surface.
It all started with a body treatment. I asked a body therapist to help me release the sorrow that was hiding under my skin. He sure did. After my 2nd treatment, I couldn't stop crying. In fact, I cried for three full days, before I slowly started to calm down again.
This episode led to a serious yoga crisis. I started wanting to run away from the shala during my mysore practise. At first, I started practicing less. Then even less. And in the end, I wanted to run away so badly already during the first 5 minutes of the practise that I just stopped coming. After this, I didn't practice yoga myself for more than a month.
By digging into myself, my muscles and mind I was facing the parts of myself, which I have been hiding away for years. That made me want to run away very badly. All the time. Living with the man, I loved, who just walked right into the very center of my being with his bare precense, definitely didn't make it less intense. I often found myself planning to take the next flight to India or Istanbul, just to get away as far and as quicly as possible. But there was no where to run away from what was within myself. Just like Arjuna, I hade to face the war, however cruel it might seem to be. I couln't choose anything else than to meet it with honesty and respect - and yoke myself to the battle.

I slowly found out that I had to break myself compeltely down, before I was able to build myself up again. The old, ousted stories had to be rediscovered, before I could begin to move on. There was many stories. It took a long time. And it costed me more than a river of tears.

*

Every little victory in life makes us stronger, and after the class today I wanted my students to know that completing a yoga class like mine that was quite a victory. However, I soon lealised that I was having a breaktrough myself during that very moment. Something had changed.
As I led the class to rest in Savasana, I sat for a moment in silence, breathing - preparing. And then, suddenly, I let a low, soft voice grow out of the silence. I started singing.
I sang the moola mantra.

It was the first time, I had been singing for many years. Now, I suddenly found myself singing with the vulnerability of my heart and the strenght of my presence. I sang the most beautiful words, I knew, and I sang to show my appreciation and thankfulness to my students, as well as to the whole battle of life. I honoured every step of the process, and now I understood that I had finally fought my way to my next level of living.

*

 

Om
Sat Chit Ananda Parabrahma
Purushothama Paramatma
Sri Bhagavathi Sametha
Sri Bhagavathe Namaha

Om - We are calling on the highest energy, of all there is
Sat - The formless
Chit - Consciousness of the universe
Ananda- Pure love, bliss and joy
Para brahma --The supreme creator
Purushothama -Who has incarnated in human form to help guide mankind
Paramatma -Who comes to me in my heart, and becomes my inner voice whenever I ask
Sri Bhagavati - The divine mother, the power aspect of creation
Same tha- Together within
Sri Bhagavate -The Father of creation which is unchangeable and permanent
Namaha- I thank you and acknowledge this presance in my life. I ask for your guidance at all times

(the above simpilified version was supplied by Felicity Barrington of Canada)

*

Body Remembrance

They say that an elephant never forgets.

Nor does your body. 

*

One evening, my boyfriend said to me:
"You know what? I've learned something about you. You are not vulnerable."
"What do you mean?" I answered with a proper amount of defence. "I'm very vulnerable!"
"You are not vulnerable", he repeated. "No, you aren't."
 Suddenly I understood.
"You're wounded.", he said.

I felt struck by lightning. He was right. I am a very wounded person.  And how much I ever might try to forget about it, my body remembers everything.

"Do you still like me?" I must have asked him a couple of times to much during our time together. One day, he sighed and smiled at me. "Sometimes, it can be difficult to be close to people, who are living in the moment. ALL THE TIME."

For many years, I worked hard to make sure that I didn't take anyone or anything for granted. I tried to appreciate everything as much as possible; be present, curious and discovering in the moment. But everything needs to be balanced.
Now I see that it was mostly a way to protect myself, basicly not to trust anyone or anything completely, so I minimized the risk of being wounded. By not taking anything for granted, I still had the possibility to be happy, when good things happened around me, without always being afraid of disappointment.

Time flows, things change - but some don't. I found out, that it was continuously very difficult for me to believe in and trust the people around me, even though they tried to show me their friendship and love the best they could. And it still is. However much I want to give up all my defences, my body remembers its wounds and resists.

*

Yesterday, I made a yoga photoshoot in Copenhagen with a good friend of mine. Slowly, we noticed something interesting. If I was on the ground, I felt completely free in my poses - but as soon as I was standing on something just a couple of inches over the ground, my body froze completely with stiffness, and I couldn't do anything. I was afraid of falling down and being injured, even though there wouln't be any remarkable difference. "Maybe that's telling something about why it's difficult for you to put your weight into the arms of an acroyoga partner? Christina asked. Suddenly i realized that my fear of being wounded has been affecting my life much more than I thought. 
It's not only difficult for me to trust my partner in acroyoga. Or partner in life. It's difficult for me to trust my own legs.When I do the drop-backs in my astanga-practise, I need to know that someone is standing by me, ready to catch me if I fall. And that's actually not enough, either. I need them to put a finger on my hips, just so I physically feel that they are REALLY there. It's no problem for me to do the practise, but I panic, if I'm not sure that someone is ready to help me, when I have to let go and trust my body - and myself.

* 

For many years, I've done everything to forget. But my body remembers everything. And the more I work with my body, the more I dig into the stories of my life. It's is maybe the most difficult challenge, I've ever set myself in front of, but I'm trying to let the humble child in me meet the elephant - and meet all the stories, I wanted to forget.

"I soften to be open to meet you"

"Here I am, sitting with the magic heart. In the heart space."
I looked up and smiled to the others in the circle. One by one, we got to hold a little wooden heart and tell about what hat happened in our lives since last time we met at the immersion in the beautiful, Swedish coolness of Göteborg.
"I find it difficult to put words on something so subtle as the change I'm going trough - now, over the last month and all the time. Everything is changing all the time. But there is one sentense, which has been very important to me the last month. It was the words, Anja said last time: "I soften to be open to meet you."  When she said these words - and physically showed it - I felt like ahaaa... This is it. I need to soften to be open to meet people around me, to myself - to everyone and everything. And I've been working on that."

*

We were working with the first principle of anusara yoga: Being open to grace. Anja was trying to explain us about making the sides of the body long, the inner body bright and dropping down the organ body. She walked the talk. First, she demonstrated a tensed person with a stiff and closed expression, with the sides of the body short, a tensed neck, hugging her abdomen nervously in and up, and presented herself with a tensed "Hello" to one of the others. And then she did the opposite. She set her grounded foundation, made her upper body tall and light, relaxed and softened in her whole being. She softened her face. Her eyes. Her gaze. And her whole being suddenly changed into being so extremely open, welcoming and friendly - radiating true, loving kindness. I felt completely overwhelmed.

"Maybe it's just an illusion, but I've experienced amazing things while trying to soften. I've tried to meet friends and strangers with softness. And meet myself with softness. meeting and experiencing moments with softness. My boyfriend says that I have a 12 track high way inside of me. I'm often storming in a lot of directions all the time, being very passionate about what I'm doing, being very intense.... And being very, very busy. So I've realized that working with softness and taking one step back is very important to me.

I've tried to soften to my choices. Do I really need to do the full primary series of Astanga tonight, when I'm exhausted and an sensible? Or do I actually just need to sit down for a while and meditate? And somehow, stepping back has taken me two steps forward. It has given me an energy-boost! The softening has given me time to rest and resettle, which has made my developments even bigger in both my yoga practise, my music... and in almost every part of life."

*

The softening has really made me step back and get closer to my hearts deepest desire. In my every moment. It has given me the posibility of really choosing the life, I want to live. The softening to my yoga practise has given me so much more energy; so much more authentic prescense, mentally and physically.
I have asked myself, what my deepest desire was about my music. And the answer was clear: playing chamber music with my amazing, beloved partners. And almost out of nowhere, my Duo con Passione, suddenly has got so much tailwind, and a lot of new projects - recordings, concerts and plans of participation in competitions - has suddenly been launched. I have tried to meet persons, who I have been trying to keep out of my life, with loving softness once again, and the outcome has been amazing. On the other hand, softening to myself has made me realize, what persons hasn't been nourishing for me to be around, and this has made me 'break up' with a very old and powerful friendship.
And then - not to forget - I have softened to my love. I have let him into my deepest heart space. And I really whish him to stay there!

The break down of the break trough

Sometimes, it can be very important to remember that the phoenix has to burn, before it can rise up from the ashes. A break trough often comes hand in hand with a break down. Remember that you have to die to be able to rise. You might never be able to find new and better paths and strucures in life, if you don't run your head against a brick wall some time - if you don't find yourself in pain and great frustration or unhappiness. And from time to time, we all need a wake-up call to find out that we are doing something wrong - and to find out how to fix it.

Some time ago, a new student came to one of my classes and told me that she might be a little careful with her asana practice, because she had recently pulled a muscle in a yoga class. "A pulled muscle? In a yoga class? A yoga class?!" I was very surprised. In my world, pulled muscles occured in sports like badminton, football and activities with quick and explosive movement - but in a yoga class? She told me that she had simply tried to hard to dig deep into a pose, stretching as much as she could, and suddenly the muscle fibers simply broke.
It was of course an awful experience for her. And it was awful for me to hear that it was actually possible for my yoga students to experience the same, if they weren't well enough warmed up and trying too hard to do something, their muscles weren't ready to do yet. But after working with her during the class, I realized that her injury was actually just a very important message from her body.

She was very flexible, and her stretchable muscles had made her a little too fearless when it came to her yoga practice. The pulled muscle wasn't just an injury. It was a wake-up call. It was a wake-up call for her to listen to her body's signals and find out that her body - like every other body - has limits. She needed to start listening to her body. She needed to start working with her body, not on her body.

I spoke with her about it after the lesson, and I was happy that she could understand my thoughts about the injury being a sign for her to find a new path of development in her work with the body.

She needed to start protecting her joints and strenghtening her muscles - increase her sense of stability, sensibility and well-aligned strength. And even though very few get as far as to pull a muscle in a yoga class, the story is a great reminder for us to build up strength where we are soft and weak, and soften up, where we are tight and strong. Usually, all of us have to think about both elements in our practice. Normally, people are very soft and weak on the back side of the shoulder area, while we are much stronger and more tight on the front side. Therefore, it's good for most of us to open and stretch the front side of the thoratic body and strenghten the muscles on the back side. But some of us in general need to soften, let go and open up, while others already are very soft and flexible, and need to strengthen the body to keep it working in a constructive way.

Injuries and other kinds of obstacles in life isn't necessarily a bad thing. It might be a very important sign for us to stop and listen, and find out what to do or change to keep living and developing in a pleasant, gentle and appropriate way.  We need to remember that the benefits of a yoga practice is completely dependent on what it consists of and how we work with your body. And that we might need to die before being reborn with new knowledge and understanding of ourselves - just like the phoenix needs to burn, before it can rise up from the ashes as a new but yet the same creature.

The life-shaping breath

I love to imagine the breath as the way of living. The way you breathe shows your way of being aware of your life and your choices. The inhalation is for me a symbol of the openness to receive life. I think of it as the act of receiving what you want in life into yourself, and then, I see the exhalation as the act of letting go of all the things that you don't need and don't want in your life anymore.
It requires acceptance of both yourself and your environment: acceptance of where you are in your life right now, what you wish to receive more of in your heart, mind and body - and maybe most important - accepting that usually, everything you wish for is actually within reach. You just need to be open to meet it.
It may sound a little abstract, but when you see it in real life, it makes a lot of sense.

Often, after resting in Shavasana at the end of a yoga class, I ask my students to inhale what they wish to receive more of in life into themselves, and exhale everything, they don't wish to keep in their hearts and  bodies anymore. Whatever that might be. Bad, old habits, thoughts, relationships... And during this subtle and personal proces of receiving and letting go, I feel so much vulnerability and honesty in the class room. I hear how they inhale softly and lovingly, and I hear how they exhale loudly through the mouth with the sound of relief. And it is so incredibly beautiful that it makes me shiver all over. 

A couple of weeks ago, I realized that it was time for me to listen to my own words. I was always asking my students to choose their lives and relationships with awareness, but I needed to make choices of that kind in my own life, too. Slowly, I realized that an old relationship with a person, who had been one of the closest friends of mine for many years, was tearing me apart. She felt it, too. And even though we both tried in our different ways to rescue the remaining bits and pieces of our friendship, there was nothing to do.
This confrontation was to become my first real break-up with a friend.

Break-ups between lovers and couples is something almost everyone knows about, but among friends I think the appearance is much more rare. Bad friendships often fall apart by themselves over time. However, sometimes the frames of the friendship are so firm and solid that the parts are stuck together in a strong structure, until someone actively tries to do something to get out of the frames.
And it hurts. It makes you feel like a beast. But you also have to remember that you are the only one who can shape your life and take care of yourself. And that you will only be able to give love and friendship to others in the long term, if you have something to give of.

When you say "yes" to others, make sure that you are not saying "no" to yourself.

The yoga of cleaning up your life

Sometimes, the yoga practise gives benefits in completely unexpected ways.

Recently, I had a warm reunion with the Astanga yoga practice. I had found a Mysore studio in Copenhagen with teachers who appealed strongly to me, and my body was responding with great gratitude. Quickly, my body grew stronger, and my mental focus and grounding increased remarkably. But something else happened, too.

It can be challenging to find a couple of hours daily to explore yourself on the mat, and it requires quite a bit of organizing. And – of course – a lot of dedication. But in that moment, when you decide to spend this precious time on your mind and body, you have to decide when to do the other things, you want to do – and decide what you won't be doing.
One day after the afternoon mysore, my teacher suggested me to try out the morning mysores. Immediately, i started a puzzle with the elements of my daily shedule, explaining my considerations about how to fit my practice into my daily life. My teacher looked at me and started smiling. "You know...", he said, "Sometimes yoga is also about cleaning up your life."

I couldn't do anything but smile right back. He was so right. And suddenly, I realized how much the yoga had already been cleaning up in my life - and how it still was an ongoing process. 
When you choose a yoga practice, whether we are talking about 3 times a week or 2 hours a day, you suddenly get pushed into one of these situations, where you have to choose your life. And one of these situations, where you find out that you actually have the power to choose. You can choose when and where and with whom you want to spend your time, doing what. And you'll maybe find yourself asking the same questions as me: Is this really important to me? Is this something I want to spend time doing? Or is this something, I actually don't need – something I don't want to spend my life on?

At some point, the yoga practice isn't only about building strength and focus to maintain a dedicated practice. It's about building strength and focus to maintain a dedicated life. The yoga practice starts to clean up your life. It starts dusting the shelves of body and mind, throwing old junk away and bringing the values into the light. The yoga is gently giving you the challenge – and the strength - to choose your life.